“Where are You God?”

This question riddled my journal pages every night growing up. As a teenager, I struggled. A lot. As many women may relate, my nights were often marked with a tear soaked pillow and a very full journal, feeling incredibly unseen, misunderstood, and confused if God even heard my prayers. At the time, I was dealing with severe depression, bullying, abusive relationships, while trying to keep good grades and excel in my extra curriculars. I was a latch-key kid, as many of my peers were, so it made these trials a little harder to navigate. It felt that in the midst of my deepest valley, God was no where to be found. My prayers felt lost in the wind. I had no one who could see me for me in the midst of it all.

Have you ever felt like this? Like you were drowning in the midst of life? Or perhaps, like no one truly saw you as you walked through your silent trials?

As I continue to learn more and more about God, I continue to find such healing and rest in understanding the character and nature of Him. One thing that I have begun looking into is the names of God. Each name that we see in the bible speaks to an attribute of God. The one name that I have found so much joy in is the name given to God in Genesis 16. This name is given to God by Hagar, the Egyptian slave woman of Abram.

It is in the time where God promises to bless Abram with many offspring. A mighty nation. However, in Sarai’s doubt as she waits for God to fulfill His promise, she takes matters into her own hands and suggest Abram to conceive with Hagar so that he may have a child. Abram agrees to this scheme and Hagar becomes pregnant with Abram’s child. A son.

When Hagar finds that she is pregnant with her master’s child, she begins to despise Sarai. It was a big deal if a woman could get pregnant. Being fruitful was God’s first blessing given to Adam and Eve. It was status among women. Hagar, the slave woman, began to feel superior to her mistress. Sarai, in response to Hagar, dealt harshly with her and Hagar fled.

It is here in the midst of Hagar’s pain that God meets her. God sends an angel of the LORD to find her. It is within this confrontation that God blesses her and sends her back to her mistress. This time, Hagar has the hope of God’s promise to multiply her son’s offspring, much like the the promise given to Abram as well as the peace of knowing that that her trials are seen and known. She is cared for in the midst of her trial. Hagar goes back saying “You are the God of seeing”, “Truly here I have seen Him who look after me”.

This story has been so beautiful to me because it speaks to God’s personal relationship with us. It speaks to His compassion, His Sovereignty, His all-knowing power. As we walk through silent trials and struggles, as we sit through injustices, as we fight to be seen and validated, when we feel small and alone, there is joy remembering El Roi. We serve the God who sees you. You are not forgotten or discarded. Your struggles do not go unseen by our God and they are not without purpose. There is always a purpose to our pain. Our God is the God who sees and cares deeply for us. I pray that you can take joy in this truth as I have.