“But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt”

Genesis 19:26

As I continue walking my journey of sanctification and growing in Christ-likeness, God has been bringing the story of Lot’s wife to my heart. Lot’s wife seems like such an obscure character in this bible story, doesn’t she? So much so, we aren’t even given her name. In her story, she is the wife of Lot, Abraham’s nephew. She lived in the fertile valley bordering both the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Cities that were marked for destruction by the wrath of God. Cities wiped from the face of the earth. I have learned, through my studies, that she would eventually follow her husband Lot, into the city of Sodom as Lot took the job as a prosperous judge or civic leader in the city.

I write this as though Lot’s wife is the center of the story, but again, her role is seemingly unimportant. This was until the angels of God came to save Lot and his family from the destruction that was to come. The only command given at this time was to flee and not to look back. Don’t stop until you have come to the place of refuge. It was in the escape that Lot’s wife looked back leaving her preserved in time as a pillar of salt. A testimony to her disobedience to the mercies of God.

When I began my counseling journey, it began as many people depict it: “Describe to me your childhood.”

Not that I had a horrible childhood, but of course, my adolescence was marked with many unfortunate experiences of sexual abuse, rape, emotional negligence, etc., etc., Ok, it doesn’t sound like a great childhood, but I digress. The point is, my time growing up, like so many others, was marked with sin. Sin and the consequences of other people’s sinful choices in my life. These were events and traumas I pushed down. I suppressed in hopes to make those around me more comfortable. If we’re being honest, to make me more comfortable.

Now, being able to sit and talk to someone about it all was incredibly healing in a way. To be able to speak truth about where I have come from and what has happened to me in my life was and is incredibly validating. However, once truth is brought to the surface regarding my unsaved life, it was very hard for me to leave it in the past where it belonged.

When I began to realize I was a trauma victim, I began identifying with a trauma victim. I began seeking people and videos that validated me. These things made me feel “empowered”. I would talk about it to anyone who would listen because this is who I am and you are going to hear all about it. It was becoming damaging. I felt so stuck. I thought I was doing it all right. I was talking about my experiences, connecting with other people about it, continuing to reflect on my past through counseling and my own research. I was bringing my truth to the light. I was embracing who I was….who I was.

This is where God has began to impress Lot’s wife on my heart. You see, trauma marks who I was, not who I am. In my efforts to heal my past, I began identifying with it. I was preserving my lost self in a timeline where she no longer existed. Now, yes, I absolutely bear the scars of a young girl who’s innocence was taken far too soon. Marred by the world and it’s evil endeavors to kill and destroy. However, looking back on the life that was, was preserving me there, much like Lot’s wife looking back on her life as she was commanded to flee and run to safety.

When I look at this story, I am in awe of all the underlying salvation themes and how relatable this story has become for me. When the angels came for Lot and his wife and his daughters, Lot didn’t want to leave. Verse 16 says Lot hesitated. It was at this moment that the angels of the Lord grabbed the hands of Lot and his family and pulled them to safety outside of the city. It was here where they were instructed to continue fleeing to the mountains lest they be swept up in the destruction. Though Lot is incredibly grateful to be spared, he questions the angels’ command that his family will make it to the mountains in time. A pattern we see a lot in the Christian walk. An inability to trust. However, the Lord continued to be merciful and allowed him and his family to seek refuge in a place a little closer. A town later called Zoar. Once they are here, the destruction begins. It was in the town of safety that Lot’s wife looks back.

I feel like I’m all over the place, but stay with me here. Lot and his family did not deserve their saving. It was only on Abram’s behalf that God saved him. Much like Lot and his family, their saving was a gift, not something they earned. Much like our salvation is not a gift that we can gain on our own. Did you also notice that when the angels tell Lot to flee, he doesn’t just jump on board. He hesitates. We, much like Lot, hesitate at the thought of trusting God. We don’t just hesitate, we reject it. We are far to sinful in nature to even desire God much less choose to willingly trust and obey Him. It was in this hesitation that the angels’ grabbed Lot and his family and placed them in safety. Just as it was for us. It was in our blatant rebellion to Him that we were grabbed and placed in safety. It is also this continued pattern that we see where God commands us to be obedient and we hesitate, doubting the Lord’s good intention. It is here where the Holy Spirit pursues us as our Helper, much like these angels of the Lord.

On a little side note, I also love the mercy shown to Lot as he doubts God’s command that he can make it all the way to the mountains. It makes me think of Moses, when God allows Aaron to go with him to provide a mouthpiece to Moses’s insecurity around speaking. Or Gideon’s many tests as he doubted the things God called him to do. It highlights God’s understanding, His compassion, and His mercy to us as we continue to walk our pilgrimage to the Celestial City (my kids are going through The Pilgrims Progress, I couldn’t help it!).

Once they make it to Zoar, God begins to rain fire and brimstone down upon the land they once called home. This was the moment when Lot’s wife looks back. It was in this disobedience that God preserved her forever as the salt statue we read about.

I think there can be great importance in remembering where we have come from. Our testimonies are suppose to be reminders of how great our God is. They are designed to be spaces of reflection for the glory of God. It is a slippery slope when we begin reflecting on our pasts with some sense of nostalgia to help us understand ourselves. When we begin using our pasts as a crutch to become relatable to the world around us, we no longer identify as children of God, but children of wrath.

It can absolutely be beneficial to reflect, however, we are called to something so much greater. Our eyes were made to stay fixed on the Father, our Refuge, our Savior. Much like the bow of a ship, if our eyes are pointed to our past, eventually we will steer back into waters that God has called us to flee from. It can cause us to become stuck, even frozen in time, much like Lot’s wife. Even Jesus points our eyes back to her example. In Luke 17:32, Jesus says “Remember Lot’s wife.” She is a reminder that when we try and look back, seeking comfort, identity, and stability from our old lives, we will surely lose our lives. Just like Lot’s wife who lost her life as she glanced back at what once was.

I write all of this to say, I no longer desire to resonate with Lot’s wife. I see where God is calling me to flee and not to look back. Where, in my efforts to find healing and understanding, I have resurrected a salt monument of the girl I once was, stuck, frozen in time, much like Lot’s wife. It is time to put to death the life that was to continue my journey to Christ-likeness, with my eyes fixed upon His face and not looking back on the wreckage where sin once bound me like a slave. I am no longer there. I am saved. I am freed. There is nothing for me back there. So here’s to a new year, covered under His wings and held in His grace!